I don’t really know who the heck is actually reading my nonsense, but I have something to say again. Well, I know of one or two, or maybe even three…
I was asked a question by the currently closest person to my heart tonight, and I answered a little too quickly. Maybe I didn’t quite understand the question, which went something like this:
“Where do you see yourself in a year from now?” (I guess this could be give or take a couple months from the exact one-year mark). I thought about the question for about- Oh, lets say about 5-10 seconds and for a split-second I was hesitant to reply with what I really wanted to honestly answer the question with. After all… It’s just a question, right?? Then I said, what the heck and I just told this person what I felt. In simple, yet honest terminology.
That’s when I saw the reaction on their face, and knowing as soon as I saw it; I realized that it was not the answer this person was looking for. (oops- foot in mouth; yeah, big-time). I wished I could take that answer back. just erase it. But it was too late. So what do I do? I start to shut down. That’s how I deal with that stuff. I was just being honest, after all; but I am the “pleasing type” and I guess that wasn’t too pleasing.
Now, I can’t tell you all what I actually said to this person. But what I can tell you is that (foot in mouth); I regret it now. Some things need to be kept inside until you are absolutely sure that both you AND that other person are comfortable with what you want to get off your chest. Even if it is just a simple question/answer. One single word in the English Language can be life-altering; life-changing. Or any language. Some things as I have learned through the hurt I’ve been through over the years are just better kept inside where they are safe. It’s like a child hiding under a makeshift fort made out of sheets and blankets, draped over furniture. Safely kept inside. No one needs to really know what you are doing/thinking when you are within your own special hiding place.
Lesson learned: Sometimes it is better to “feel” than to speak, even if you are just being honest. Some things better kept on the down-low until you are sure it won’t hurt anyone. I will give you this… The person who asked me the question (wanting some other answer obviously) is someone I do not want to lose at any cost… Even if it means hiding certain emotions that might (foot in mouth)… push them away.
I’ve been promised basically that I will not lose this person, so that gives me some sense of contentment. I got a long road before it comes to true fruition in my mind. I hope it does at one point, one day. And I hope for what I really want in the end. The thing that I regretted saying. But it is what it is. In the meantime, I trust God and pray. After all, He is the one in control (of it all) and we gotta put our trust in Him.
I am okay now. Got it out. I’ll try to make the next blog a bit more uplifting. This is just a difficult time. A complicated time.
Geez, I don’t know how to “categorize” this stuff yet so that these emotional blogs end up in the right place. But I’ll figure it out. I always do.